We've got quite the emotional journey in store for you, as we are joined by our incredibly resilient guest, Auschel. Listen in as she shares the raw and heart-wrenching details of her personal battle with infertility. From the frustration of unanswered questions and invasive tests to the unexpected diagnosis of low egg reserve at just 24 years old, Auschel takes us on her roller-coaster ride of hope, heartbreak, and ultimately, joy.
The conversation doesn't stop with her fertility journey. We also delve into the long-term effects of infertility, exploring how it has shaped Auschel's life and how it teaches you to adapt when life throws a curveball. We also touch on the societal pressures around conception and how Auschel has learned to navigate these sensitive topics.
Wrapping up, Auschel introduces us to the Utah Infertility Resource Center (UIRC) and their upcoming conference – a beacon of support and resources for those embarking on their own fertility journey. This episode is a testament to hope, resilience and the power of community. Auschel's story will leave you feeling touched, inspired and hopeful. Tune in, this is a conversation not to be missed.
UtahInfertilityResourceCenter.Org
We've got quite the emotional journey in store for you, as we are joined by our incredibly resilient guest, Auschel. Listen in as she shares the raw and heart-wrenching details of her personal battle with infertility. From the frustration of unanswered questions and invasive tests to the unexpected diagnosis of low egg reserve at just 24 years old, Auschel takes us on her roller-coaster ride of hope, heartbreak, and ultimately, joy.
The conversation doesn't stop with her fertility journey. We also delve into the long-term effects of infertility, exploring how it has shaped Auschel's life and how it teaches you to adapt when life throws a curveball. We also touch on the societal pressures around conception and how Auschel has learned to navigate these sensitive topics.
Wrapping up, Auschel introduces us to the Utah Infertility Resource Center (UIRC) and their upcoming conference – a beacon of support and resources for those embarking on their own fertility journey. This episode is a testament to hope, resilience and the power of community. Auschel's story will leave you feeling touched, inspired and hopeful. Tune in, this is a conversation not to be missed.
UtahInfertilityResourceCenter.Org
Welcome to the Maybe Baby Diaries podcast. I'm your host, Mariah Montgomery. Here we'll discuss all things in fertility, like heartbreak, joy, growth, loss and the wild, crazy journey that it is. Let's bring awareness, education and understanding to the table. You aren't alone. Together, we've got this. Aashal. Welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited that you're here. Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, I'm so excited. I've like been looking forward to this for a while, Me too. I would love to hear about your story and how you found yourself in the infertility community.
Speaker 2:Wow, years ago I feel like my husband and I we'd been married for a couple of years and just decided to start trying. It was funny because I have a very just. I love to plan things. It calms my brain, for sure. I was like backtracking okay, we're going to graduate college in May. If a baby were to come in July actually no June then we would have all summer and then you could go get your masters. Then we would have all summer to be together and adjust to our new life. Okay, we need to start trying this month to get pregnant and have the baby this month. I mean, I had the whole thing mapped out.
Speaker 2:Months went by and then years. I think it about man. Even just at that year mark, I deep down knew something was wrong. I come from a family that, like all super fertile In fact most of us are called accidents. I just didn't think that that would be an issue. At 11 months. I was getting nervous. I went into the doctor and she's like all right, well, let's start looking to see if we can solve anything. Nothing came back. There were no answers so frustrating, right. And some of the tests that we started were surprisingly invasive. I didn't see it happening. I didn't see it coming. I mean, we did the H, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:HSG, hsg, that's the worst. Right and man, I didn't see that come in and I turned white and I almost passed out and I remember the doctor looking at my husband going is she always this color? My husband's like no, sure not. And so that was like my introductory test to this whole thing and, as you know, it just gets worse and worse and worse after that. Like that was the soft introduction. So yeah, then we just started doing all of the tests and the inseminations and still no diagnosis, still considered unexplained, nobody knew why. Oh yeah, so I was still considered unexplained and I had man. I think it was seven or nine inseminations. We did clomid.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, well, and that was the thing. Like hindsight, like people give me that, look now, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:No, it's just too hard I didn't have a community.
Speaker 2:I had like the online world where, like you, just kind of eavesdropped, right, but there was no one that really said nine or seven, or why didn't you start asking different questions at number three? You don't know, right, you don't know, you don't know, so you just do what you're told. And so, again, hindsight always wonderful. And so then at that point we went in and they said IVF is probably the best shot. And I had heard about the injection cycle, and so I thought I had one more step, because IVF to me just sounded like we were getting close to the end of all of our options, especially unexplained. So our first round of IVF, all the meds and the injections and stuff, when we went in for the blood draws as we got closer, I didn't have any eggs. So all of the meds that we had done. It was bittersweet to have a diagnosis low egg reserve, that's what. It was Great. But I was only 23, almost 24. And so that didn't make sense to me either, like why, how? Like low eggs, I'm not 40. I'm not Right, and so it was a gut punch but also kind of, like I said, bittersweet. So we ended up doing an injectable cycle. That way, just didn't retrieve any eggs to see what you know, kind of salvage, all of the money you've already paid in all of the meds, right. And so then we did it again and that one ended up in I again it's. I like to say it was a miscarriage. I got an early positive test at home, which they tell you never to do and then the first blood draw was like maybe. And then the second blood draw, you know the numbers didn't double but in my brain, like if I had a miscarriage then maybe that means I was progressing. So you can call that whatever you want.
Speaker 2:And then our third IVF. We got two eggs retrieved and fertilized as all, and one egg was of decent quality and then the other egg. They just wasn't a great quality but they asked if we wanted to do a compassionate transfer I think is what they call it now. So they put both eggs in and the compassionate egg, for lack of a better term, I miscarried that one. So it did actually implant.
Speaker 2:They both implanted, but the compassionate transfer miscarried and so I was on bed rest for a while to see if it was going to flush the other egg out too. So I was on bed rest before I even really could get excited about the positive possibility, because I was potentially miscarrying again. But the bed rest worked, or something worked, and my one egg made it. And my one egg is now 14 years old and in eighth grade and he is just an absolute joy and so that's awesome, I love. I kind of want a shirt that says like my one egg is 14, right, because there's so much lack of hope and there's so many things that are going to get you down and so many things that suck, and so I feel like that's like just one egg, literally. I had one egg. I had a nurse bless her heart, as my grandmother would say. She literally put her hand on my shoulder while I'm in the stirrups and she's like honey. I've never seen this work before.
Speaker 1:That's another time to say that.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, a little bit side manner, but it was funny. Not at the time, funny was not a word I'd choose 14 years ago. We're going to say funny. So yeah, but it did work. And when it did work I kind of wanted to find her and tell her that, yeah, like look, look, look at this, it does work. One egg, yeah.
Speaker 2:So after our son was born in September, you know just kind of like we were so blessed with one for three years we didn't think we were going to get any. But then I was like okay, I love my sibling with everything in me, like just one sibling. So we went back to the doctor and the doctor was like you have a low egg reserve. We don't have any knowledge as to, like, how quickly your eggs deplete, or you know, like a month after month, here's how it's going to go. And so he said if you want to do this, we've got to do it now. Oh, my goodness, like there's no waiting. And then in the same breath, bless his heart, right, and like you were on more meds than anybody in the clinic to get your to get any eggs out of you.
Speaker 1:You run a super high-dose protocol, then yeah and again hindsight right.
Speaker 2:I just did whatever they told me. Yeah, at the time with my son, I didn't realize I was on a high-dose protocol. I just did. You know, you do whatever you're told. Yeah, you're desperate. Yeah, you're the doctor, you're the genius. Just tell me what I got to do. And so that was interesting, because I had never been told I was on such a high dose. And so he said you were on the highest dose in the clinic and if it hadn't worked already I would have turned you away. Today. I'm like, okay, cool, let's do this. So we started the IVF protocol again and then that time I got three eggs in that cycle.
Speaker 2:That's pretty good, though for right for me three. Yeah, I made it with one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, three is lovely.
Speaker 2:So all three actually ended up being good quality and and we put two back in and both took, and so at that point our twins were born and I had three kids under two. I Don't remember that first year, thank goodness iPhones had started being a thing, because, man, if I hadn't recorded as much as I did, couldn't have told you much, that's for sure. But you know, like I think so many people who have been successful with their infertility journey can relate like there was no complaints, like are you kidding me? I have three kids under two, my heart is full and for so many years my hands were empty. Like I have no complaints whatsoever, even if maybe I, you know, was overwhelmed and crying in the corner. No complaints because it took us so long to get there. Yeah, so yeah, they, like I said I had. They're super close in age. So my twins are now 12 and my son will be 14 in just a couple weeks actually. So it was a blessing for sure. But also the.
Speaker 2:What I didn't see is how the trauma lives on in all of the things. Like it's been over a decade and I am still like super-duper helicopter parent what I've been one without infertility, maybe, I think the word is Catastrophizing. I love it, everything Right. Like my twins are like mom, can I walk to ice cream after, for after school with friends? And I'm like take the back roads. Yeah, don't walk on a busy street. I'm sure that's better. I'm not sure why. There's maybe no valid thought there, but don't walk on up. Just some of those really stupid things that have just, I think, changed the type of parent I've become, mm-hmm, because those three years just were triggering and traumatizing. You have no control, yeah, and like I said at the beginning, like I had my planner out, I was like do dates gonna be this day? First birthday is gonna be this day. Seasons are gonna look like this.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I understand that was me, and my husband too. I I'd be like, okay, if we get pregnant this month, then we can plan. I'm a wedding photographer and I was like, then we can have this many weddings this month, then we could do this and we could take this amount of time off. And I was like I was ready, you know, and then infertility comes in and it's like, just kidding, you're not gonna do any of that. All those plans that you had, it's not, it's not for you.
Speaker 2:Well, and I didn't think like how Learning to pivot Not my strong suit, yeah, I feel not yeah, but when you don't have a choice and that control is taken from you, whoa, that is an interesting ride.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's hard. Oh my gosh, it's really hard. Like I am Very like I'm a planner, I like things to be my way, I'm very controlling. So 100% the same way. Yeah, you can't my husband's off camera.
Speaker 1:I mean, he's like over there nodding right now yeah and then again infertility comes along and it's like okay, yeah, but control, you don't have any of that anymore, like it's gone. And there I do feel like there are some things that you can have control over. Like you control, like you know the help that you're gonna get in, the support you're gonna get, and like what you're gonna eat and what you're gonna do, and you know, like, if you're gonna go to acupuncture or not and if you're gonna go, do like you know x, yz, whatever it is, but overall, like you don't have control on what your family is gonna look like. You really don't. And that's really hard, especially because I feel like, growing up, we have this ideal of you know I'm gonna grow up, I'm gonna have like three kids and I'm gonna be done by the time I'm like 35, and then it just doesn't know. It doesn't go that way.
Speaker 2:No, and the any adjustment you know again, hindsight, right, there's so many blessings in that, in learning to pivot, but in the moment you're like I will kill you, right, this is awful, this is the worst thing ever I know and you just wanna curl up in a ball and cry because just that loss of what you think you knew, what you wanted to know and how you envisioned your life being and I think especially being from our area to family, is like live or die. How many kids do you want? And if it's man, less than five, you're kind of a whim right in this area for sure. I don't even bat an eye when someone says they have less than five kids. I'm like, okay, if you have six. Maybe my eyebrows will raise a little bit right, like all I want is one, why do you have six? Like I'm just saying like the math here is unfair.
Speaker 1:I love that. Oh my gosh. I feel like our area also is very much like not if you're gonna have kids, but like when you're going to have children, Mm-hmm yeah, and that can be really hard too, with people that I've talked to and this whole podcast process, like there's so much pressure to have those children and when you can't, you know, deliver up on that, it's devastating.
Speaker 2:Well, and the questions I didn't think of beforehand. Oh, you've been married for a while. When are you gonna have kids? Right, that was such a natural question.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I used to ask that all the time and I feel really bad that I have kids. I don't ask it anymore.
Speaker 2:But I have a friend who we have been friends for 11 years. She does not have children. I think she has endometriosis. Oh that's hard, but I have learned. If she didn't offer it, I'm not gonna ask, Like she knows my story because I'm open about it. She knows where I work Now, I mean, it hasn't been the full 11 years, but like there was so many windows and opportunities for her to tell me her story, If she hasn't, am I curious why she doesn't have kids? Sure, but only as a friend. But the things that people say have just been so eye-opening after infertility and I have tried so hard to not I feel that so hard.
Speaker 2:But you've hurt yourself even now, Do you Like? Oh, never mind, don't answer that. Yeah, forget it.
Speaker 1:I didn't say it, it's fine. Yeah, don't you know, don't feel any obligation. I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Yeah, you have a really awesome perspective after you go through something difficult like infertility, Like what you should and probably shouldn't say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the things that really just cut you to the core, that maybe you didn't see coming. Yeah, and then you hear it come out of your mouth and you're like, oh wow, yeah, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh my gosh, I know I am. Before infertility, when somebody was struggling, I would have no problem saying something like you know, it's all gonna work out, it's gonna be okay. Like there's a plan for you or whatever you know. Like, whatever you believe in God, universe, source, higher power, whatever Like you know, it's just, you're gonna be taken care of, it's fine. And now, after having that said to my husband and I so many times, like you know, just have faith, it's gonna be okay. I do not feel like I can say that to anybody, no matter what trial they're going through. I just I remember so clearly and I like get triggered, even thinking about it now, just how uncomfortable it was to hear that and how hard it was to hear those things, and I'm like I can't, like I have to like change how I say things to people now, just like it doesn't even matter what the trial is or what they're going through, like it changes you so much going through this, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, one of our therapists at UICS told me that infertility was equal to cancer treatments. Mm-hmm, and I seriously kind of stopped for a minute and just like let that soak in and I did not disbelieve that. Yeah, After all of that, and again, like the triggering trauma is a decade later, that's still there. It's like, yeah, okay, Because even for me, like cancer treatments are like the most heartbreaking whatever. Yes, and yet to go, we are all kind of on that same-ish level of that. Yeah, it's like maybe I should have given myself a little bit of grace for what I was going through when I was for sure.
Speaker 2:I remember it's just I was sharing my story, maybe just two years ago, with some friends at my kid's school and I had really truly believed it.
Speaker 2:That like when my son, before I had our son like you know, everything is about a cycle or a test or a level or cervical mucus or how much you may or may not have had in caffeine that day.
Speaker 2:And then when our son was born and we went in for our second IVF, it was amazing how I didn't have time to think about all of those things and I didn't. My heart was so full just being successful. Once there was an element of not necessarily relaxed but just kind of taken down a notch. And let's be honest, we're all so elevated that a notch is a big deal. And so I was sharing my story and I was like I you know, with with the twins, when I was on the bed rest right before or like the princess days after transfer, I didn't have that same level of like rigidness that I had had with my son and I outcame I think it was because I just relaxed and seriously, like as soon as it came out there was a little bit of vomit I'm like, oh, you don't ever, don't, ever, Don't ever repeat that to anyone.
Speaker 1:Don't ever say that to anyone.
Speaker 2:Don't ever say the word to anyone. Just you know what. Don't talk to people Like I just even even saying it out loud, was like oh okay, cause that is like the one thing that I would get the most, just relax.
Speaker 1:And I just keep thinking I will kill you and are like going on vacation.
Speaker 2:Going on vacation, You'll have a, you'll have a vacation baby. I know Like that sounds great for you. I know right. I'm so happy that you could get knocked up on accident. That's so nice. That's so great for you. How must it be to not know what an internal wand looks like? Oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you. Right now I know that you were not subjected, subjected to that every 48 hours Like, oh my gosh, it's so great for you, I know it.
Speaker 1:just, I feel like Dark Humor is part of the little tool belt that you gain after going through infertility treatments and I don't think it matters like even if it's just like a IUI or like Cuomet or Lettres all or whatever. I just I think you kind of get that dark humor because I feel like we need the humor to be able to get through it. Yeah, cause if we didn't have it, if we couldn't laugh about, you know, those dates with Wanda or whatever.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh that. I've never heard that before. Can we put that?
Speaker 1:somewhere yes.
Speaker 2:I will find a place for that sentence. Yeah, wow, yeah, it's crazy because it's like it's every 48 hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, You're like, here I go again. I know Getting probed Right. It's awful.
Speaker 2:And then when it just comes second nature, that's when you know you've had a problem, like we didn't no longer affect you or just like, oh, here I am again. You know, hey guys, brought my snacks, brought my snacks for the waiting room in a good book. Yeah, let's do this, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, I know, I know Right.
Speaker 2:And it's all about survival.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, all of it Mm-hmm. So how did you find yourself in with UIRC? How did that all happen?
Speaker 2:Super coincidentally. So I was at my daughter's tennis practice and I was sitting next to a friend who was on the PTA with me at school and she was on her laptop ordering Lucky Socks. And I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, and she turns to me and she tells me about Lucky Socks at UIRC. Oh, I love that. And then she goes in to tell me how hard infertility is and how you just don't understand how hard it is and how being in the stirrups and how rough that is for people and inside I'm just dying. And she just goes on about the Lucky Socks and what they do and how they offer them for people and how traumatic infertility is. And so then I kind of start poking around a little bit. I'm like, oh yeah, what does UIRC do? What other things? And by the hour and a half, by the end of the tennis lesson, I'm like I need to work with you. And she laughed and, coincidentally, within like six months there was a job opening. So that's perfect. It was just the funniest.
Speaker 2:I wasn't looking for a job, we had just come out of COVID. Like it was insanely coincidental but also humorous to have someone tell you how hard infertility is. Yeah, because we don't have flags, we don't have signs, right, we all carry our trauma differently and she didn't know. And so we just kind of joked and bonded over that, and so that's how I got started. I got started last summer.
Speaker 2:My first throw you into the deep end was conference, and because of COVID, it was their first real in-person conference. So I was just like super starry eyed, going, wow, had I had this. You're telling me that I can go into a room, into a conference, with doctors giving lectures and breakout sessions on any topic that might affect me and therapists Like what. And so we pulled off our first one. And then I just I gotta be honest, I was absolutely exhausted and by the end, like I didn't see it coming right, calling all of these doctors, and what was really funny is one of the doctors on the panel was my doctor that had given me my twins, and I asked who it was. It was Dr Johnstone.
Speaker 1:I loved Dr Johnstone. Yeah, I did too. Oh, my gosh, we were going with her before we won half-off at conference last year, yes, and then switched to your reproductive care center. Okay so, but I love her.
Speaker 2:I'm so happy you went with her and it was so funny to call her as not a patient, but I was definitely not an equal right. And so I'm just like Dr Johnstone, would you like coming and speaking? And so now, and she's like call me Erica, absolutely not, absolutely not. You've earned your doctor's license. You can be the doctor of all things. So now we're gearing up for the second conference, and okay, let me back it up a little bit. At the end of the conference, right before we had given away all of the raffles, I seriously looked at my boss and I'm like this is a disaster and we're never doing this again, like this is exhausting, like I am overwhelmed. Oh, and then the raffle happened and I watched you win.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're going to make me cry and I started bawling Hopefully you didn't notice so I started bawling and then my boss started bawling and we walked out there. We walked like cleaning up and we looked at each other at the same time. Next year he's like, absolutely so. It was one of those like it is a battle, but I think that's what makes it great is we really try to hit all of the boxes. You know, this year we've got a breakout specifically on Endo, which is so awesome, Right?
Speaker 1:I think that is. I feel like we all know about it, but actually sit and hear somebody lecture about it or talk about it. I think this is huge. We need more awareness about it.
Speaker 2:Well, and then being able to be like 20 feet away or man, get up and go talk to him, like and ask your personal question to a doctor, that day, yeah, is priceless. So then after that I've tried to schedule it so if you have Endo then we have a pelvic floor specialist I love that too, so that you can just like find your personal, like your personal journey while you're at the conference.
Speaker 2:We have an acupuncturist. I love that too. We have a nutritionist and I have to be honest I am like I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna use her Like she is adorable and wonderful to work with and just personable and has this wealth of knowledge that I mean when she told me how much caffeine I should be drinking in my life was a little painful and I'm definitely not hitting those numbers. So so then we have that. And then we have therapists that can talk to you about your anger and your stress and your grief. That, again, you need to own and you need someone to tell you it's okay and validate it, and validate it.
Speaker 2:You feel free to throw something. Murder is still illegal, but feel free to throw things, but we can talk about it.
Speaker 1:We can talk about it, we can first your talk about it.
Speaker 2:And then we have a sex therapist. Let's be honest, Nobody's getting knocked up on a Tuesday. That's gonna have some consequences, and so I can just. And then Dr Johnstone is coming back this year oh perfect, and she's gonna talk about what she did last year, which I kind of again thought was so valuable. In when one cycle fails, you're just, sometimes you just have this screw, this mentality. It was hard, it was exhausting, I am mentally drained. I'm not doing this again, but Dr Johnstone and Monica Ashton are gonna come and talk about why every cycle is different and why there are. So there's so much that goes into every cycle that you can't give up. Yeah, and I think again that gives you that grace of throw something against the wall. Swear a little bit, don't give up. And this is why this is the medical reason why don't give up. So this year we have again over $20,000 worth of raffle items.
Speaker 2:That's awesome, that's so awesome. And again, like I'm just from you last year, like I'm just so excited.
Speaker 1:I'm excited too. I'm excited to see who gets it this year, right Cause I just oh man, that was the biggest thing for our journey. I mean, conference was great, and even if we had at one, we would have loved our experience there. We had such a good time. We went with another couple and it was really awesome. But I mean, because you guys had conference and because you guys had those raffles, I mean our family building dreams are so much more attainable now, like we were actually able to do IVF, and I'm so incredibly grateful for everything that you guys do, everything you guys continue to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, it definitely boosted the effort that goes into this, for sure for those, that last little bit Giving people the comfort to know you're not alone, and then at the end we sure hope to give you a lot of money on your way out the door, right, yeah. So, yeah, the conference is gonna be on September 23rd. Early bird tickets go out soon. But, yeah, just come. And if you're not infertile you know someone who is so come, learn how you can support, or maybe like even, like I said, like I've found nutritionists and acupuncturists that I feel comfortable saying go to this person. This person specializes in it. So if you know someone that like wants to just get into that door, there's so many options and so much to learn on your journey, no matter where you are. So check our website out and the whole schedule's posted who's gonna talk when, see what's really gonna like, help your journey, and then stick around for the 20 grand, yeah Right, and the lunch was pretty great last year too.
Speaker 2:Thank you, yeah it was pretty great. Food is my love language. I will say you so.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Well, I will put your website down in the show notes, okay, so people can find you, and then I will also put a link to the conference. Sign up down in the show notes as well. Perfect, and then I will make it nice and easy for people to find. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Ajal, thank you so much for being with me today. I love talking to you.
Speaker 2:I love your energy.
Speaker 1:Thank you, it was so fun. Yeah, I appreciate your time, thank you. Thank you so much. All right, we'll see you next week and next week's episode. Bye.