Ever wondered what it's like to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of fertility challenges while being a parent? Join me as I sit down with Sarah, a brave woman sharing the uncensored truth of her infertility journey. From dealing with PCOS to the heartbreak of miscarriages, Sarah's story is an incredible display of resilience, courage, and hope.
We delve deeply into the unique pressures and complexities of infertility and parenting. Sarah's heartfelt recounting of the empathy she discovered within the infertility community, and the delicate balance of juggling parenthood with fertility treatments, is truly enlightening. Not only that, but we also address the often overlooked experiences of men during this process, revealing how Sarah and her partner have strengthened their bond throughout this journey.
In our final segment, we put a spotlight on the utmost importance of self-care and seeking support when dealing with infertility. Listen in as Sarah shares how professional guidance played a crucial role in managing her journey, and the positive impact it had on her mental and physical health. From Sarah's story, we can all learn the value of taking care of ourselves and the strength it takes to sail through these challenging waters. No matter where you are on your journey, this conversation is sure to resonate with you.
Follow along on Instagram for podcast updates, new episodes, and more!
Instagram.com/maybebabydiariespodcast
www.TheMaybeBabyDiaries.com
Link to the podcast on YoutubeL: https://youtu.be/JCX4cc3JBv4
Instagram.com/themaybebabydiaries
Ever wondered what it's like to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of fertility challenges while being a parent? Join me as I sit down with Sarah, a brave woman sharing the uncensored truth of her infertility journey. From dealing with PCOS to the heartbreak of miscarriages, Sarah's story is an incredible display of resilience, courage, and hope.
We delve deeply into the unique pressures and complexities of infertility and parenting. Sarah's heartfelt recounting of the empathy she discovered within the infertility community, and the delicate balance of juggling parenthood with fertility treatments, is truly enlightening. Not only that, but we also address the often overlooked experiences of men during this process, revealing how Sarah and her partner have strengthened their bond throughout this journey.
In our final segment, we put a spotlight on the utmost importance of self-care and seeking support when dealing with infertility. Listen in as Sarah shares how professional guidance played a crucial role in managing her journey, and the positive impact it had on her mental and physical health. From Sarah's story, we can all learn the value of taking care of ourselves and the strength it takes to sail through these challenging waters. No matter where you are on your journey, this conversation is sure to resonate with you.
Follow along on Instagram for podcast updates, new episodes, and more!
Instagram.com/maybebabydiariespodcast
www.TheMaybeBabyDiaries.com
Link to the podcast on YoutubeL: https://youtu.be/JCX4cc3JBv4
Instagram.com/themaybebabydiaries
Welcome to the Maybe Baby Diaries podcast. I'm your host, Mariah Montgomery. Here we'll discuss all things in fertility, like heartbreak, joy, growth, loss and the wild, crazy journey that it is. Let's bring awareness, education and understanding to the table. You aren't alone. Together, we've got this. Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Maybe Baby Diaries podcast. Today I have on Sarah. Sarah, thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to have a chat with you and just connect Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm excited that you're here. Tell me what your family building processes looked like.
Speaker 2:It's kind of crazy when you think about that question because it's like a long journey to think about over the years. Our process started about six years ago. I knew before getting married that I had a PCOS and I am blessed, slash, cursed, with some medical knowledge because I have a background as being a PA. I always say that's absolutely helpful. I know a lot about my body because I have studied it. You hear about those people that are in medical school and they give themselves all the diagnosis. That's for real, when you know so much, you stress about so much. The gift is that I didn't do the whole wait, a whole year of trying before going to get some support. I knew that I might need some support. I went earlier on and we dove into trying to start our family right away after we got married. I remember I'm sitting in our first house we ever purchased. The day that we were set to move into this house is the day that I got my first positive pregnancy test. I was like sorry, babe, i can't lift anything, i can't do it, you gotta do it all. I'm so excited.
Speaker 2:Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage about eight-ish weeks. That was very devastating Because I'm sure many. It's not like you talk about miscarriage loss anything before you go through it. It feels very shocking. It feels very isolating. I've gone about the work of putting myself in groups where I get to talk about it and know that that's not the case now, but at the time it felt like that. That was tough. It took us probably about nine, 10 months to get there. It took us a lot of cycles of meds to get there to make it happen. Then I think I probably was so in pain that I'm like let's just move on, let's go to the next one so I don't have to think about that pain. We were blessed with that. We got pregnant right away again. That gave us our rainbow baby, my daughter. She's going to be four in August. I'm so, so blessed to have her. She's a blast. I had all these thoughts afterwards of like, okay, i had the baby, maybe this reset the hormones, it's going to be easy after this right.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I was thinking that, just the same as when people tell you oh, you're going to lose so much weight when you breastfeed. Oh my gosh. Yes, no, i was the hungriest I've ever been in my entire life while, i breastfed.
Speaker 2:I felt better the day I delivered than I did nine months later from breastfeeding. Now, if you lost weight breastfeeding, good for you. That was not my story, i would say. Somewhere around eight to nine months we decided like we should start trying again, because we know it might take a while. In April of this year it's been three years and still no baby We again went back to the ovulation meds and tried that route because that's what worked right. We got pregnant twice to have a baby. Let's just go back and do that. We did like three or four, i think, and got pregnant twice. Both ended in miscarriage. That was within the first year of trying and that was really heavy for us.
Speaker 2:I started to have some of those like maybe it's a bad idea for me to get pregnant because it's going to just end in miscarriage. Maybe I need to go fix myself, heal myself, do something, yeah, to get to a place where I'm not setting myself up for an unsuccessful pregnancy, which was a really dark place to be in. That is really where I started seeking support to help me with the emotional roller coaster that is infertility, pregnancy, loss, all of it right. I did go through a phase of doing holistic approaches elimination, diet, supplements, protocol, all the stuff that I know so many of us are familiar with, because you end up looking there when things aren't working. I do think overall those things did improve my health, but I took a time, maybe like six months, of not actively not trying while I was doing some of those things, because some of the supplements just aren't studied in pregnancy. Then I dove back in and we did I don't know nine cycles with the meds and never got pregnant again. It was really jarring.
Speaker 2:After having these four examples of, hey, it can get you pregnant, but then we had to figure out the rest of not being able to even get pregnant, we decided this is clearly not working like we had hoped. We stepped things up Again, still going with maybe I need to go down the more holistic-esque route. I actually connected with a NAPRO specialist, which they are more willing to do a lot of monitoring of labs and such on a day-to-day basis and help support things. It's not 100% holistic. You're still using meds but trying to be more in that direction and still was not successful. After a few months At some point I had to go to my husband and say you could tell me that I could do the right dietary protocol and health supplements and things. This would work. In five years, i would rather go do it a different way because we have this daughter, we have this life.
Speaker 2:I had that dream of what our kids were going to look like in their ages and that I was going to be done by this age and that's not happened. I felt very ready to go seek the next step. I was more of a conversation with my husband. He was the apprehensive one. We ended up going and seeing an RE. That was the beginning, january of 2022. We did a workup with them which, honestly, we had done so much that they really didn't have to do all that much. When we got started. We did four-ish rounds of IUI. The reason is one of them, a vacation, kind of ruined it.
Speaker 1:It was more like a time cycle than it was IUI.
Speaker 2:We did technically three rounds of IUI one time cycle. They were all unsuccessful. We did our egg retrieval in September. We got four embryos. We have transferred three of those four embryos and have not seen a positive pregnancy test yet. As I'm talking to you, we're prepping for the transfer of that last remaining embryo here in a couple weeks. It's a weird place to be in knowing it's the last one. That's where we are. That's a big recap of where we are right now.
Speaker 1:How do you feel differently between your first transfer and your transfer now? I'm asking kind of selfishly, because our first transfer, where we're recording right now, is next week.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like I don't know what to expect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i feel that when you're going to the next new thing and it's your first time doing it it gives you all this ability to have a lot of hope of like, maybe this is going to be the thing, maybe this is going to be our solution. I really was able to put myself in a pretty positive light for that first transfer and really hopeful about that process. It's weird because I know I could do it with my cycle, like if I was just cycle tracking. But when they tell you this is your transfer date in a couple months, my brain is already like, okay, the due date would be, then it would be this old. You run through that whole process, yeah. And so I was totally doing that, dreaming honestly of this summer baby that I would be having right now. So the difference But the last couple was I had to do some more work to get to that hope state.
Speaker 2:Right, like I had to intentionally do some things to get myself there. The difference with this one is funky. So we paid for a bundled package, so we get up to three agri-tree voles And as many transfers would come along with those three agri-tree voles included in what we've already paid. So of course, my planning brain is like okay, so I'm going to have these four embryos, the first one's going to stick, and then I'm going to have three waiting around for like when I'm ready for the next kid, so that I can keep going, because that would be the economical way to go about it if you have to do IVF right, because if you would have asked me at 25, i would have told you I would have had four kids by 35. And so that's what I was hoping for.
Speaker 2:Now I have one left, so I can either hope this one works and I don't know that we would want to make the investment to do the whole process over again Or it doesn't work and we can go do another retrieval and have the chance at those saved embryos for the future. So it's this weird place. If that makes sense, yeah, of like, i'm hopeful, but I also have a little bit of like a less pressure about it than I have had in past ones.
Speaker 1:That would feel really hard to navigate. Yeah, like I'm sure that you're still feeling excited and everything, but I'm just I'm trying to like put myself in your shoes And that would be really hard. I mean, you're not. I know what it's like to want that baby. You know so bad. So tell me what navigating secondary infertility is like.
Speaker 2:How is it different?
Speaker 1:from your first time.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think the thing that I find is I feel odd at times because I don't really feel that I fit into any of the categories right. Like she technically was an infertility baby as well, and so I, i mean, technically, i don't know that I even identify a secondary infertility, but I 100% understand there are so many women walking around trying to get pregnant, desperately trying to get pregnant and have nothing to show for it, and I have that gift right. Like I have that daughter that blesses me every morning and I'm just so grateful to have her, and so I get that.
Speaker 2:That's a like a very difficult reminder for a lot of people. But at the same token, if I like, look to my friends around me that didn't go through infertility, that have now gone to have another and another and another. I don't fully relate to them and all of their conversations either, and so I do feel people who either are like trying for that second, regardless of if the first was infertility or not, people who are like I don't know, i don't know, i don't know, i don't know, and so I just feel a little bit alone and that they don't really know who to speak to without hurting their feelings, or feeling really disconnected from them, and you have all that. But then you also have the pressures of like mothering a kid who is starting, like she sees me two shots, she knows I'm going to doctor's appointments, i don't know that I was really prepared to be having right, because when we dove into trying she was nine months old.
Speaker 2:I didn't really think I was going to have to talk to her about it, but now she's almost four. She's getting smart pretty quick. So yeah, like she knows that we put an embryo in mommy's belly and we're hoping that embryo grows and she knows when we come home and say it didn't work and you know talking about that. So that's a whole nother layer of things that I like I just have to learn how to go through. I wasn't prepared to kind of go through that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard, i know like some of the weirdest times I've had in this journey. I don't know if weird is the right word, but like when I've gone to the infertility clinic and I've gone and had like a monitoring appointment or just something related to her IVF cycle, and then I come home and I have these two amazing kids and they're I mean my boys are nine and 10. So they're they're a little more aware of what's going on with pretty open with them and it's it is the weirdest thing. Just like you're trying for this other baby actively, but you also have these. You know you have your daughter, i have my kids, other people have children. It's just, it's so weird. One of the weirdest moments, another weird moment that I had when I was doing my shots, was I got a huge bruise on one side of my belly button, like a huge one, and right below it was one of my stretch marks from, i can tell you, my second baby because he's on the same stretch.
Speaker 1:And it was such a weird moment seeing you know, like this bruise, that I'm doing like shots and everything to add another baby And then stretch marks from this other baby. It was just like I. It's all about love when it comes down to it. Yeah, It was an intense moment for me to be like, okay, i am sacrificing my body again in a different way so I can have more stretch marks, hopefully.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Yeah, yeah, i don't know about you, but one thing that's been they're older. So there's been what. Two instances I think of like me needing to go to the clinic kind of suddenly, not for anything concerning Like one was literally just last week in between, with two months break in between preparing for this cycle And with my history of PCOS. My period wasn't coming And I'm like Hey, like I don't want to come too late and not be able to do the transfer. So I call them and they're like can you just come in and get like a couple labs real fast? We'll see you in 20 minutes. I'm so grateful that my clinic is very close to my house. I know people drive like crazy to go to their clinic.
Speaker 1:Ours is so, you know. Yeah, i'm so grateful.
Speaker 2:So I'm like, yeah, i can, but like I have my daughter, like I don't have anywhere I can drop her off. So, like going into an infertility clinic and I feel like guarded, like I understand there are people in there that go Oh my God, a kid, i don't know. That's been a weird, i've had to do that twice. And the nurses, the staff, they love to see her. Right, they're so excited to see kids. But I feel protective of the other patient's hearts. Right, i get it, and I obviously, if it's at all planned, i'm going to try my best to not bring her, but there's been some instances where I've had to.
Speaker 1:So yeah, we, so ours, yeah, ours are older, So I've never had to take them. But there's been a couple of times where I've seen kids in there and it's almost like whoa, Yeah, Like you forget, I mean, and I I don't get triggered by it, And I know other people do, and that's totally fine. Everybody's in their own journey. You know just where they are is totally fine. But it's like it's weird to see kids at a clinic. That's just not where you'd expect to see them.
Speaker 1:And yeah, but I've noticed like in this particular community, I feel like we are so just collectively, we're so acutely aware of not asending everyone else's feelings and like making sure everybody else is okay and not triggering anybody, because I think we know deeply, like, how not okay we can be and how triggered we can be for different things. So I do really, really love that about this community. I don't think I've ever seen that in any other space before.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true. That's true is it's definitely a lesson in like how to be empathetic towards others.
Speaker 1:That's for sure. So how did you navigate, going through IVF and having this, your perfect little baby, with you? you'll meet your four year old and I just I want to hear about how you guys balanced parenthood I guess for you motherhood, and I guess you know your husband parenthood, fatherhood and IVF, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think that, like I said, a lot of it for us was navigating what to and not to share. They grow up and get smart so quickly that, like when we were starting IVF, we didn't really tell her a ton. Right, like she was just turned three, she was in school, going to bed before we were doing our evening shots. Like I don't know that she really knew a ton. I just gotta fix things up now. I think probably like my excitedness and hopefulness of that first transfer was when I was like talking about it I don't even know if we told her in advance, but I think, bringing home that picture, it just felt right to me to like include the whole family in that conversation. Yeah, this is our embryo. This got put in mommy's belly today and telling her about it and I remember her saying but it's a ball.
Speaker 1:And she's right now a little bit.
Speaker 2:I was like, yeah, but it could grow and it could, you know, grow up into a baby. And she's like, oh, i do see it has eyes. She's looking at some of the cells and saying it has eyes, which was like the cutest thing. And she's like, and then it'll grow and it'll have arms and legs. And I'm like, yes, exactly. So We told her that and she held on to that and she's so I have this necklace. I don't have it on right now, but it has, um, three Forget-me-not seeds for our miscarriages. And she knows, like she calls that our baby necklace. And she comes up to it and she'll kiss it and say like I love you guys. And So, even with this, like through that two week, wait.
Speaker 2:She would say I prayed that this embryo is growing, or, you know, she would talk about it and I, i Know there are parents going through it to have this like maybe in between age, where, like, how much are they fully grasping? Mm-hmm, i think, more than we realize, that are keeping it private and that's fine. I don't know, it just felt right and I think that's what this, like the biggest thing I could say is going with your gut, with the parenting of What feels right to do and what you want to hold back is fine. I'm sad when it doesn't work. I'm crying, i'm grieving. I'm going through that process and to me, to like put on a mask and say I'm not and like try to show up and be a mom and She knows, like she knows so much more than we like really give them credit for. Like she said things to me before, like in those times of grief of like Mommy, like why are you sad today, right, and like I don't want to Hold back from that Now. I don't want to like unleash.
Speaker 1:Everything right.
Speaker 2:So I think I just say something along the lines of like you know, like this embryo, we were really really hoping it was gonna grow and turn into a baby and it doesn't look like that's gonna happen And I'm just really sad about that. And I feel good about the fact that The thing that I have needed so much on this journey is to reconnect, to like the safety and like dealing with all of these emotions. And, oddly enough, this journey has given me an opportunity to teach that skill to her Right, like to teach her that it's okay to feel difficult emotions, probably not always just in sadness, but even in other areas. Right, we get stressed, we get angry, we get frustrated. Yeah, her kids know it.
Speaker 2:She would come to me for a while and she would say mommy, are you happy? like as in, like you should be happy? I don't kind of thing when I she knew obviously I wasn't, and so we actually sat down and had a talk and said like You know what? like happy is great and I would love to be happy, but we're not gonna be happy all the time, and that's okay to not be happy all the time, and the cutest thing that that's created is now She does not ask that anymore. She'll say hey, mommy, how are your feelings today?
Speaker 1:Oh my god.
Speaker 2:Like just the fact that, like she is able to start understanding it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be super excited, like any of the emotions. Like, oh my god, like how much easier would this journey have been from the start if I believed that. So I think that's one of the things I keep reminding myself is I Am giving her the gift of, like navigating her emotions a little bit more than I ever would have been able to.
Speaker 1:So Yeah, mm-hmm, oh, my gosh, i love that. Yeah, that's such a good. Kids are so smart, they are they are intuitive.
Speaker 1:They just mm-hmm. Yeah, they're so smart. I know my sister had a miscarriage a few years ago and my boys were a couple, you know, a couple years younger and We told them what had happened and they just immediate were like You know, it's gonna be okay. And I was like that's just to hear that from like a what I think he was. My oldest was maybe seven, eight at the time, maybe nine around there, but they're just, they're so smart, they're so emotionally aware and And yeah, what a gift you have yeah with that, with your sweet.
Speaker 2:It's funny because there's gonna be moments where you're like, okay, it's not as connected to them as it is to me, right? Like, oh well, sit there and we'll talk about sadness, and then she'll be like you want to go to the park, you know and that's totally fine.
Speaker 2:That's absolutely fine. My goal with anything in parenting is to, like, just plant some seeds and some examples Yes, and those will grow in the future, or something right like it's not like. She's gonna be this Super emotionally resilient, has all the skills right now person, and that is totally fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and yeah, that's the biggest thing I mean there's obviously like the time drama That is navigating IVF and appointments and a job and building a business and having a child and doing all of that absolutely. I think we just amaze ourselves by what we can do and we ask ourselves to do it. I am super blessed that family lives nearby and we can depend on them when we need support. And Yeah, she's in school, she goes to a Montessori school and most appointments we've been to fitting around that.
Speaker 1:It's nice, yes that helps a time.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So You had miscarriages. You've had a long time in between. You know your first baby, and I mean your hopeful baby. Tell me what has been able to give you the most hope? have you been able to like and navigate this and be able to keep going? because I've just had one miscarriage and I was devastated and I cannot imagine three. You were amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i Always say that I My experience of my first miscarriage. If you would have told me at that time that I would have gone through this next five years of this journey and navigated two more miscarriages and worked with all the people I had worked with and gone through infertility treatments that I've gone through, i probably wouldn't have believed you, Because in that moment I was in so much pain and, like I said, so guarded from even being willing to feel all of that pain, that I didn't think that it would be possible for me to get through to like doing what I'm doing now. And I really do think it comes back to the intentional work that I've done to take care of myself, to build safety, and like it's okay to have doubt, it's okay to have fear, it's okay to be worried. All of that Because when I was in the time where I would think like, oh, i just need to have hope and I need to like stuff, all those negative emotions that was more difficult and more painful than now.
Speaker 2:When I'm like I wake up and think like, for example, in a two week wait, like am I feeling hopeful about this today? And I'm just no, like I'm not and that's okay, like it's okay to feel that Maybe tomorrow will be different, but, like today, i feel like this isn't gonna work out And I'm gonna like honor that versus like distract myself from that and go read the book or do all the distraction things that we get told to do and avoid thinking about our fear about it. I think that that has been the biggest thing that has allowed me to keep going through this.
Speaker 2:Not feel burnout through this process is to really truly like sit with whatever comes up And that sounds like like I told you guys, I have a background in science as a PA, medical education, very type A, analytical brain. When I first was told like you just need to feel your feelings, I'm like whatever, But like seriously, the more that I do that, the more that I see that, that like is at the foundation of everything, of being able to get through this journey.
Speaker 1:And honoring where you are every day and just taking it one day at a time. And, yeah, everything that you said, I'm like yes, yes, all of it, yes. So I would love to talk about how you and your husband navigated this together and how you guys are still navigating this together. I don't feel like husbands are talked about enough in this process and partners are talked about enough. I feel like there's so much emphasis on the woman, and I'd love to hear about how you guys have done marriage through an infertility process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i totally agree. I've been. I've been trying to convince him to come on my podcast solely for that reason to hear the man's voice.
Speaker 2:I think we're going to. We've been trying to decide when to do it, but, yes, so there are absolutely couples that have, like this has been a huge stressor on their marriage and I can totally see why. For us, it really has strengthened us and brought us closer together and been this thing that we are I don't want to say attacking, you know like going at together and making those hard decisions together and grieving the really difficult moments together and that's really brought us closer. And just as all of us women have totally different experiences, men have totally different experiences too, from them navigating their own infertility diagnosis that they have to get treatment for, work up for everything and all that comes with that right To a very common thread that I think comes with a lot of men going through this journey with their partner is feeling like they need to be the one to have it all together right, feeling like they need to be the one that is not showing all the signs of the grief, the fear, the everything, so that they can be there for us And even like as much as I have said and know like he doesn't need to be that person and have asked him to open up and he does you know that it's still happening, right Like.
Speaker 2:He is such an example of what an eternal optimist could look like, right Like. So all of our pregnancy beta day tests have, like for IVF cycles, have ended up being like kind of late, like on like day 12, just simply because of like where the weekend falls And I don't really want to find out over the phone. So we've typically tested around day 10, which is like the typical day that they do the beta day, and obviously it's been negative three times And still, for those 48 hours between then and then like getting the blood tests and them calling to confirm that it was dead, the blood tests and them calling to confirm that it was negative. He has got all the hope Like.
Speaker 1:I don't know how he does it.
Speaker 2:I'm like babe, but you know he's not willing to like say it's over till it really is over, which is amazing, like that's great to have. And then I probably like bring him back down to reality a little bit.
Speaker 2:So like that's a gift to have to have someone who is that willing to be hopeful and positive and excited for the future throughout the whole process.
Speaker 2:This last unsuccessful transfer was definitely one of the hardest ones for him And I think it was like it was this point in our journey where he was like oh, like it really still isn't happening, i don't know, like questioning his positivity a bit, and so it felt like a different experience to need to be there to support him. I mean, that's just being honest, like I definitely am having those conversations with him and would be willing to support him, but his need for that has just not been as high as my need has been, and I think it is because they hold that hold that kind of like. I have to be the one to support her and take care of her through this process, and I think the biggest thing that we've done, that's like helped us, is just as much as possible, having conversations about it, sharing our fears, sharing our worries, me having my like, diagram of like. If this does this, then this, then we'll think about this doing that.
Speaker 2:That type of brain. Yes, like I have always had that flow chart running. She doesn't But to like show that to him, to forecast it to him. that can be really helpful so that he knows, hey, we're focused on right now, but like if we were to be nine months down the road in this situation. this is what Sarah's thinking about And we can be more on a team about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i love that you guys can communicate that.
Speaker 2:That's a big deal, yeah yeah, you mentioned that I had posted recently about some potential things in our future And that's been like the next level of us. It's always like I'm coming to him because I'm the one that does the research, i'm the one that, like, does that part. That's, you know, partly because it's my body, but partly because I am the science brained one. Mm-hmm. Him, not at all.
Speaker 1:He's no, he would agree with that.
Speaker 2:He would absolutely agree with that. He's a chef and I will take all of his delicious cooking So.
Speaker 1:You are so lucky. Yes, yes, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:So that's been. The most recent thing is now, having had three miscarriages, three unsuccessful transfers, wondering if there is this immunology component that we need to go investigate. And so that's been like. Our next layer of conversations is sitting down and saying hey, i'm starting to wonder if this is part of it. Do we need to consider this? What would that look like? I'm not saying we're going to do it today.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. But because there's a huge cost with everything of course. but this could be, in the future of the next few months, a consideration And so like, let's talk about that, wrap our brains around that, see what that would look like, what we'd be willing to do, et cetera. And I think the more we can have those conversations, the more you're going to be able to bring that closeness in such a difficult time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh yeah. My husband and I, when we first started, we totally just I did a lot of talking at him about our infertility stuff, but we didn't really talk together And we did it for two years into our journey because I think it was just too hard, because, like you said, he was carrying everything that I was going through and he wasn't allowing himself to really feel it through and he was just kind of distracting. And I so wish we would have had more of that communication in the beginning. I feel like it would have made all the difference. So hearing that you guys have figured out how to navigate that is I love it And hopefully somebody listening can be like okay, maybe I do need to talk to my husband about this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and as you're talking, one thing that it reminded me of that I think is super important, because I hear this not from you but from other women that I talk to Yeah, it's easy to go to those conversations and want them to feel exactly the same as we do, right? Yeah, i totally get that. Like when I went to him and said I'm ready to go see a reproductive endocrinologist and he was like I'm not. I could have been angry, we could have like been fighting about that, but instead it was like let me hear all the reasons he's not ready and let me share all the reasons I am, and then let's come to a decision together about that.
Speaker 2:And I think I hear like people going and say I don't even want to talk to him because he doesn't feel it the same that I do, he doesn't grieve it the same that way that I do. Well, yeah, like you're two different, totally different people. Like of course, it's going to feel different, and I think, the more we can allow for the fact that it's okay that it feels different for both of us, it's actually more useful for us to just understand it more from their perspective and ours than it is to try to make our perspectives match perfectly. That's going to allow that conversation to be so much more successful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i feel like you've just figured out this whole communication thing with him. Like, i feel like I wish we're doing a lot better. I feel like we're in a much better place, but you would just sound like you haven't figured out and I'm so jealous. I love that, oh thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you. That does not mean there's no bumps in the road, but, yeah, the more that you can accept the fact that we are different human beings and we're going to have different experiences, the easier it's going to be to have those conversations. We need that more and everywhere in life.
Speaker 1:Let's just be real Yeah, we really do More understanding and just being willing to see how the other person sees. and yeah, It could be so hard to do though especially when it's like an emotionally charged topic like infertility, like so, throughout your process, what is something or some things that you would have done differently? Like, if you could go back and you could reduce something, what would it be?
Speaker 2:Yeah, So there's a handful of things. One, the first one that popped to mind a moment you think of that question, is less Facebook groups. Oh really.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Now, facebook groups are so helpful and like I'm in them. I'm not saying don't pee in them, but I find they can really like spin you out and a lot of negative energy Right, like a lot of the just general infertility or IVF ones. It's all the moms going there with oh my God, i'm bleeding. Oh my God, what does this mean? Oh my God, this happened. Oh my God, this happened, which I get it. I would be the same way. I would be going and asking questions too, if I was in that moment.
Speaker 2:But when you're inundated with 10, 15, 20 posts of that a day, every single day, and you're trying to be hopeful about your current cycle, or you're actually have the gift of having a positive and you're fearful about another loss, seeing that all day long is not the mindset that you want to be in. And so I always say that the more that you can like go into those spaces when it feels right and be safe to go into them, the better. So I always say like to take them off of your newsfeed. Yeah, all you have to do is just like still be in them. It's okay to be in them, but that way you're intentionally deciding hey, i want to go in this group and like look at it today and utilize it today, versus just like opening Facebook and it be like 12 posts. I'm started with it.
Speaker 1:Ms Carriage Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that is something that I definitely like. I would come home and tell Jason like five bad stories that had read that day on the Facebook group, right, and he'd be like, why are you like spending all of your energy and your bandwidth and your fear with that? And it's so true. So, like those moment that I was able to like silence, those have less of those on my feed. They're still there, there's still resources I can go to, there's still women there I can connect with, but it's not, i don't know, setting the tone of your day. That's something that I would wish everybody on an infertility journey would do. I also think that So I actually personally host a local support group for women to come in person. That's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think that they can really be so beneficial because you actually get to know the group of people that show up. It's not thousands of people telling you bad stories, it's five, maybe six people if you're lucky, like sharing their stories, getting to know each other. And we all know that a connection in person is going to be so much more meaningful than some Facebook thing. Unless you put in the work to create that relationship, it's just not the same. So that's been something that I host my support group Locally. It's sponsored by Resolve. Resolve has support groups all over the country, so if you go to Resolve's website, you can absolutely find other support groups. I really do think that those are really helpful. So that's something that I love as an alternative to the virtual ones.
Speaker 2:Now, once you start feeling I always joke I feel like a zebra. So in medical world we talk about like there's the obvious common diagnosis that people have right, people have diabetes, et cetera, but then there's the zebras, those like weird diagnosis. Well, once you get into infertility and you're in years of infertility, you become the zebra. You be the weird diagnosis. Yeah, yes, the virtual support groups are really helpful because there's only so many of us and we're all over the country, all over the world, so a place to come together and share can be really beneficial, And that would be the place that I would spend my time on, like the virtual type of support groups, as if you need support from that direction. So that's one thing. The other thing that I would say is support, some type of outside support, as much as we talked about. Like our spouses feel they need to be that support for us. We go to them expecting support, right, and it's a lot that we're expecting of them to do when they're also navigating this journey. And I really think it's a gift you can give yourself, but also your partner, to look for some sort of support elsewhere. That looks different for everybody.
Speaker 2:For me, i was actively getting support with a coach for other things, and there was some point in that journey of those second and third miscarriages where I was like, why am I not talking to somebody about this?
Speaker 2:It's like the thing that's ruling my day and making me feel terrible, and so I did start talking to my coach about it, and it has been the thing that has allowed me to kind of rewrite how I approach the whole process, how I navigate the whole process has allowed me to come off as feeling as calm as I do in the midst of IVF has been going and working with a coach, and so that would be the biggest thing that I think women think I have to spend all the money on the meds and the tests and the treatments and all the things.
Speaker 2:I don't have the time, energy, money, resources, whatever to spend just taking care of myself And I would argue it's the most important thing that we do. Right, like, if we're not feeling good, if we're not feeling taken care of, then none of the rest matters. We all hate hearing I know I do too just relax, yeah, but on the same token, an anxious nervous system is not primed for making a baby, and so the more that we can take care of ourselves and support ourselves and help our nervous system, i think the better that it's going to be, not from this toxic just relax statement, but from, like, actually taking care of ourselves. So I wish I would have done that sooner, but I'm grateful that I did it when I did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you feel like it's made all the difference for you?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I would not be still on this journey today if it weren't for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, awesome.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I just have to ask you But if you had like just one big piece of advice that you could share with anybody listening, anybody going through like recurrent miscarriages or infertility struggles, even IVF, even like IVF and parenting, just if you had? I mean, we can do more than one if we need to, but because that gave you like a lot of topics right then just to think about. But I would just love to hear. you have had so many awesome insights and I have loved chatting with you, but do you have any like big pieces of advice that you just feel like you need to share?
Speaker 2:So, when it comes to things, we like to over complicate them, make them really fancy, right? When I come from, like, my medical brain, when I don't anymore, when I was seeing patients, we have all the meds, the tests, all the stuff, but at the end of the day, the foundational thing that, like takes care of all of us as a human and replenishes our health, are really simple right, like sleep well, eat well, you know, take care of your mental health, get outside, like simple, foundational principles. I really think the same thing applies to hear of like when you are struggling with this really difficult journey whether that is navigating, having your wealth transfer and you still don't have anything to show for it, You're figuring out how to mother while you also are trying to do this. Whatever that journey is, we can really over complicate it, and we can very quickly. This is where I was, and so I don't say this to be rude to anyone else, because I was here to get into this very victimized place where the world is out to get me. This isn't fair. Why does nobody else have to deal with this when I have to deal with this? This is too hard. I'm never going to get through this, and what I think is that living there only is making the whole process so much more painful for us. It's not giving us any gifts to feel that way, to focus all our energy on why this isn't fair, so the more we can come back again to like.
Speaker 2:The foundations of just how do I take care of myself, how do I get to some level of the word I use is acceptance Now, not acceptance of like. I'm happy this happened to me, but acceptance of like. This is where I am. This is the journey that I'm happy to go through. So how can I make this as less miserable as possible?
Speaker 2:And it's not focusing all my mindset and all my energy on why this isn't fair. It's this isn't fair And I'm going to allow myself to grieve that. But also, how can I go about this and build hope and build positivity and feel energized and not burnout and depleted? And I really think that comes back to those foundational things of caring for yourself, of honoring whatever is coming up again, like I said earlier, of your emotions, and seeking support. And having someone to talk through things with and get all that's going on in your brain out to someone else, i think can be really beneficial. So that's what I would say I wish. I wish that for everybody, for every difficult journey, not just infertility. I think we would all be a happier world if you're doing more of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree.
Speaker 1:Everything you said has been like so perfect, so perfect. Thank you. Yeah, sarah, where can people find you? Where can people connect with you?
Speaker 2:So I live primarily on two places. One is on Instagram, at Sarah Brandel, which I'm sure you can put in the show notes. Yeah, and I show up on there. I share my journey. I also share insights of how to better navigate your journey. And then I live on a podcast called the Path to Motherhood podcast, where we share tips of how to make this process more bearable, how to have an identity outside of infertility while going through infertility. Yeah, so check it out. It's called the Path to Motherhood podcast.
Speaker 1:Awesome, Sarah. Thank you so much, Of course. Oh, my gosh, this has been so good. Really, every single thing that you've said. I'm like she's amazing, Oh thank you, thank you. Yeah, thank you for being here. I appreciate you and I appreciate your time and your insights and all of your wisdom and for being vulnerable and sharing your story Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, thank you.